Comedy Central The Daily Show during The 2015 DNC in Philadelphia!
Video Transcript:
TREVOR: We are coming to you from the University of Pennsylvania’s Annenberg Center, which means the Daily Show is officially in Philadelphia, baby! We’re here; we made it! That’s right. Week two of the conventions. Now, last week was Cleveland, and this week, we are clearly in the manliest city in America because everything in this city is about men. Everything. It’s the City of Brotherly Love. Home of the Founding Fathers. Boyz II Men. Even the football team is the Eagles, the only animal that has male-patterned baldness. The only one. On top of the City Hall Tower, I saw a statue of William Penn with his dick out. He just has it out. It looked like he was peeing on Philadelphia. And here’s what’s so great about this, all this masculinity, and this city made history by nominating America’s first major party female presidential candidate, which is so exciting. And to chat more about it, we have a guest tonight, the chairman of Hillary Clinton’s campaign, John Podesta, which is really exciting.
TREVOR: So to get straight into it, last week was the start of the Democratic National Convention. They had bigger speakers than Xzibit in a stretch Hummer. They had Cory Booker, they had Elizabeth Warren, Elijah Cummings, and of course, Senator Demi Lovato. Eva Longoria was there, Sarah Silverman, and this was just night one – night one! At this rate, on Thursday, they’re going to bring out Abraham Lincoln. He’s going to come out, and be like, “I came back from the dead to vote for Hillary Clinton and to see the rest of that play I was watching. This time I want to sit in the back.” So many stars, so many stars. And just when you were like, “How can they top all of this? How can they improve on this?” That’s when they brought in the supernova: Michelle Obama. MICHELLE: Today, I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves, and I watch my daughters – two beautiful, intelligent black young women – playing with their dogs on the White House lawn.”
TREVOR: I feel like the people cheered early on the slaves part. They were excited. She said, “I grew up in a house built by slaves,” and they were like, “I live in a house… yay! Built by slaves… ohhh no. Sorry.” I felt bad for the republicans last night because whatever your politics, you have to admint these days they just can’t bring that kind of star power. They don’t have a Michelle Obama. They just have a Michelle Obama tribute act. What was really amazing about last night is that it was almost a disaster for the democrats. For most of the day, it seemed like most of the party was going to rip itself apart at the seams because the day started like this. REPORTER: A revolt in the Democratic Party. Democratic Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz was forced to resign amid a massive email leak showing DNC staffers favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders during the democratic primary. The abrupt resignation comes after an email hacking scandal at the DNC.
TREVOR: Another one? Another email scandal? The democrats get up to more with emails than a Nigerian prince. Now, if you haven’t caught it in the news, this is what happened. Someone hacked the DNC, possibly the Russians, leaking 19,000 of their emails. Fortunately, there were no nudes, but the private bits that were exposed included messages of plotting against Bernie Sanders during the primaries. In the wake of Hillary’s private server controversy, clearly democrats have a problem managing their email. Fortunately, Jordan Klepper and Hasan Minhaj have a plan.
JORDAN: Democratic Convention: Day 1. Hasan and I teamed up to prevent democrats from repeating their electronic mistakes. PERSON 1: It’s hard to secure emails, you know? I think it really is. PERSON 2: I think cyber security is going to be one of the hottest issues that faces the next president. JORDAN: Do you have a cell phone? PERSON 2: Yeah I do. JORDAN: Can I see this? PERSON 3: I think it doesn’t reflect well on the Democratic Party. HASAN: Can I see your phone really quick? Let me get a whiz without. GENO: Sure. HASAN: Do you have a cell phone? PERSON 4: Yeah. I do. HASAN: Is this it? Okay. Cool. HASAN: Hey man. Are you with the DNC? PERSON 5: Yeah.
TREVOR: Thanks guys. Good job. Hasan was arrested after that piece, and Jordan was given a stern warning. Now, the democrats responded to this leak by asking DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz to step out of here, but the damage was already done. Bernie supports went crazy. The DNC tried to calm them down. They apologized to Bernie. They apologized to his supporters. Then, they asked Bernie to talk to his own supporters, which is a good plan because if Bernie supporters would listen to anyone, they would listen to him. You got to love Bernie Sanders. He spent the last year teaching people to dream the impossible dream: universal healthcare, trillion in infrastructure, free college, all paid for with historic tax hikes. Now, in a room full of people who love those ideas, he’s coming out like a disillusioned Peter Pan. He’s like, “Clap all you want. Tinker Bell’s not coming back. This is real life.” And what’s even crazier to me is that his own fans are booing him. “We love you Bernie. We’d follow you anywhere. Forget you, old man.” Even the birds landing on his podium have changed their tune. What the hell is going on? All day long, the Bernie Camp were marching around Philly booing everything and down at City Hall, the best news team was there to ask just how extreme the Bernie fans were.
ROY: Ronny and I headed to City Hall to see if Bernie’s plea had changed the minds of his supporters. So you agree with Bernie that you have to do whatever it takes to stop Trump? PERSON: Yes. ROY: Which means also voting for Hillary? PERSON: No. PERSON 2: Let me explain this to you again Ronny. I’m not voting for Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. RONNY: Can you explain to me standing up without doing yoga? PERSON 2: Yeah. Sure. ROY: Voting for Hillary is a vote to stop Trump, which is what Bernie wants, right? PERSON 3: Absolutely. ROY: So you’ll vote for Hillary? PERSON 3: Absolutely not. RONNY: What if I told you that not voting for Hillary Clinton will result in a Donald Trump victory? PERSON 2: I would not believe what you were saying to me and reject it as not being the point or the questions that should be being asked. RONNY: So what question should be asked. PERSON 2: Um… PERSON 4: The movement it much more than Bernie Sanders. RONNY: So you would support taking Bernie down? PERSON 4: If that’s what it takes than that’s what it takes. RONNY: That’s some Game of Thrones stuff right there.
TREVOR: Ronny Chieng and Roy Wood, Jr. Thank you so much guys. I will say this. Before I came to Philly, I was told two things: cheesesteaks and booing. Philly fans are notorious for booing anything. When we landed in Philly, the pilot was like, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve landed safely in Philadelphia.” And the crowd was like, “Boo!” And last night at the DNC, Bernie fans had that exact same Philly spirit. Can I suggest something really quick? I understand people like booing, but we need some booing clarity, OK? You can’t give the same boo to Hillary that you do to the discrimination of gay people. It’s not the same thing. I’ll give you an example. In Africa, we have two distinct types of expressions from a crowd. Booing is for an individual. You boo a person. If something shocks you or is unbelievable, then you go, “Ahhh.” So if someone is on stage and they go, “People are being robbed every day,” then you’re like, “Ahhh.” “And I’m the one robbing you.” “Boooooo.” You’ve got to separate them so you know what’s happening.
TREVOR: But this is why Michelle Obama is such a superstar. In the midst of all this chaos, she stepped into the boos and like a reverse Moses, she brought both sides together. And what we saw last night was in complete contrast to what we saw in Cleveland because it showed there’s more than one way to unify people. The Republican Convention united people in their fear and hatred. The democrats were equally shameless, but in the other direction. Instead of fear mongering, they were hope mongering.
TREVOR: The real test, however, of the party’s unity came at the end of the night when the socialist sex symbol himself got up onto that stage to speak. BERNIE: Any objective observer will conclude that based on her ideas and her leadership, Hillary Clinton must become the next President of the United States. And I am proud to stand with her tonight. Thank you all very much. TREVOR: Wow. Just like that. Bernie’s 2016 run was over. It really was a bittersweet moment for everyone involved, especially for the liberal wing of the Democratic Party, some of whom were actually in tears as Bernie delivered his swan song. There were so many white women crying that I thought Pinterest had died. It really was an emotional day, which reminds me of another African saying: These Americans are crazy, huh?